I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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