I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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