I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
