I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
