My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
