what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
