i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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