my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
