Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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