I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize