I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
