how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
