I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
