I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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