highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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