Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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