There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
