I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Boobs speak an international language.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize