I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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