I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
