I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
