I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
