I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
