Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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