I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
