I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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