I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
