i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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