I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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