my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
