i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
