shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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