I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
