I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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