Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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