he wants to bone in the snuggie
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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