Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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