i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize