it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
false alarm. still invincible.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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