Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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