drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
