I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
