I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
