just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Drunk is not a location!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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