Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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