Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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