i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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