Someone shit on the floor
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She's the barista slut.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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