I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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