i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
