haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
