Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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