it's too hot outside to masturbate.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
