I'm lost and stupid without you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
