I like my sex mixed with concussions.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
