Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
