totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
