I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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