I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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