ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
