birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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