Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
