just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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