I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
