I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
