Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
