Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
