When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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