Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
