I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
