I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
When are your genitals available?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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